it hurts.

Really, there is only one way to describe the way you feel when you get a second cancer diagnosis. The simple way would be to say that it hurts. The more in depth way would be to say that it feels like your insides are being ripped apart slowly, and by someone who has a dull set of scissors. I guess that's a little graphic, but I think it helps paint the picture.

And I think one of the hardest parts about this all is that you wish there was something you could do to help. Like I said before, you wish you could take part of the pain away and handle it yourself. You walk around every day, with a lump the size of a mountain stuck in your throat, threatening to burst at any moment in time. So you almost hope that people don't ask how you're doing- so you won't have to lie- and so the dam won't break. But at the same time, if they don't ask how you're doing, you get so angry at them for being heartless and insensitive. It's hard to describe your feelings, and hard to be able to decipher what feeling belongs in which compartment. You might be sad, which literally makes you a couple inches shorter, due to the fact that you're carrying around the weight of the world. You might be hopeful, which leaves your eyes glistening. You might be thankful, but still have a lump in your throat.

Anyway. When I get really stressed out about things, I like to have a to-do list. I like to have an action plan. So here's what I am doing, and what you can do as well.

-Sending flowers is an easy and a nice way for Meghan to know you're supporting her. Since I'm a crafter and I feel that crafting is a soothing way for me to handle and deal, I'm sewing flowers. I'll post pics of that, but only after Meghan gets them in the mail. She likes to cheat sometimes and peek at presents.

-It is always meaningful when someone makes something special that shows or says how you feel. In this instance, I think it would be lovely and wonderful- even if you don't know her personally, to write your name on a heart and send it to her in the mail. How great would it be for her to hang hearts all over her room with names of people that love her?

-Snail mail always rules. It's personal and requires effort and means more. And it's a simple way to brighten anyone's day... even if it's just a postcard.

-Financial help is pretty obvious and definitely useful. Meghan has at least two hours of driving everyday for radiation in the winter across extremely windy farm late in a boxy v-6. which might not mean much to you but to her and her family that means gas chomper. The average for Canadian gas in Ontario right now is $3.64 per gallon (.96 per liter.) that adds up quickly in car that gets under 20 miles to the gallon.

-Email. But not just one to say you're sad. Its nice and true, but it is much more beneficial if your intention is to talk (about anything and everything) rather than to tell her what you are feeling.

-For right now we need to keep phone calls limited. While it's quick, it can also be exhausting for the Baker's. They need rest, so please be respectful of them as a family. If you want to send something get in touch with Me (via the comments with your email address) and I'll send you her address or email.

-Lastly, don't run away. This may be hard on you, and your way of dealing with it might be to forget about it, to isolate yourself from others, or to pretend like it's not there. Don't do this. Meghan needs your love and support, and you need a network of people as well. Don't run away from your friends. Lean on them and let them help you through it. Be vulnerable with the people in your life...

-Pray without ceasing. Pray for comfort, for peace, for strength, for patience, for hope, for miracles.

Please use this link for monetary donations, we appreciate all of you and your support in whatever form you choose;

<3

punch. in. the. face.

So when I started this blog, it was intended to be a design blog. But it's morphed into a bit more than that. At times, it's a collection of fun things I've been doing, things I love to look at, or things that make me smile. Other times, it's a record of what I've been up to lately. And at other times, it turns into a bit of a release of sorts... I named it punch in the face for many reasons. One of which was that it related to my thesis at the time that I was in grad school. But now, it seems a bit appropriate in relation to everything I tend to do or be involved in. Sometimes, you get news that hits you like a punch in the face. It sucks the wind out of you and leaves you broken, bullied, bruised, swollen and hurting.

We got news on Tuesday that Meghan's cancer has metastasized and is now in her brain. She finished treatments in July from breast cancer- treatments that included a single mastectomy, chemo, radiation and other things you never wish upon anyone. Not even on people that cut you off in traffic, people that say terrible things about you, or people that offend and hurt you. You wish, at times, that you could take the physical pain of others upon yourself. Or perhaps dole it out to a number of people that can help carry the weight.

You wish you understood why. You cry yourself to sleep knowing that there is a road that you must walk, pain that you must endure, and hope beyond hope that the light at the end is brighter and shinier than it was where you started. When things happen like this, you wish you understood what you know in your heart- that God is good. You hope that you will soon understand it in your head, but also know that you will never understand His goodness and His love- and that's the beauty of it. You can't understand why or how, but you trust Him.

If you pray, pray hard.

Bring Your Mallard to Work Day.

Maybe it's a holiday I created. Whatever. It makes for a good Tuesday when Glen is perched atop your desk. (Glen is Mallard's real name... Mr. Glen, to be precise.) I got Glen recently in a box of Christmas goodies from two of my besties. Glen arrived to them via another friend who got him from a well-meaning, although quite odd, stepdad. Stepdad might be overdoing it, too. Let's just say mother's husband. So, let's follow this chain. Glen came from a friend of a friend of a mother's husband. Got it? But I do know the secondary friend... and the mother. Just not the husband. Regardless. Today is Bring Your Mallard to Work Day.

First thing in the morning, I had to take a photo of us getting ready to leave. Ed was so freaked out by Glen that he wouldn't sit down next to him. The lunchpail had to be used as a buffer. Even then, Ed eyed Glen with a mistrust and almost a hint of disdain.

Then Glen and I were off! I still have a hard time actually touching Glen. You see, at one time, he was a living, breathing Mallard. (I'm saying Mallard, when in fact, I have no idea what he is. Should you happen to know what kind of bird Glen is, please inform.) And now, Glen is stuffed. With fake eyes and stuff. It's gross.

Regardless, Mallard and I are here. At work. I had to carry him in to the office, and I must say... I walked faster than normal. And normal is pretty fast. You see, when I was young, Randolph (my lovely Father) would always tell me... "Kelly, walk with purpose." And so that is what I do. I walk with purpose.
(Glen getting ready to walk in to the office.)


(Glen waiting on the elevator.)


(Glen getting settled in for a long day.)

You will find below comments that happened on National Bring Your Mallard To Work Day. And Reactions. And Occurrences.

10:02am... "Kelly, is there a bird on your desk?"

11:12am... By the way, Glen smells bad.
11:40am... "WHAT IS THAT??! IS THAT A DUCK?!!" (photo taken after Aaron befriended Glen.)

1:53pm... "So do they send all of their friends... birds?" (In reference to the gift of Glen for Christmas from my lovely and thoughtful friends.)

2:45pm... "What kind of bird is that? Looks like a pretty good bird."
Me: "To eat? or to befriend?"
Other Person Who Shall Remain Nameless But Will Have Every Word Capitalized To Indicate Their Importance In My Work Days: "No, no... To befriend."

3:26pm... Someone stole the Mallard.

****Glen has been located based on the comment to follow****
4:10pm... person one: "oh my gosh, you just touched it!!!"
Person Two (Again, Indicating Importance With The Capitalized Words): "It's okay, I'm going to wash my hands."

4:28pm..."Your bird is on my desk, but I don't really want to move it because they kinda freak me out."(Glen after he was located. Silly duck. Ducks don't do CADD.)

4:51pm... "Hey, nice duck."


Glen and I after a long, hard day.

Again with the talented friends.

This is the same talented friend that made the headboard. He makes cakes for people. Last year, his most notable cake was most likely an armadillo cake for our friend, Joncowboy. This year, the cake was for our friend Amber. She's a princess.

And lucky for me (and you!), Rickybobby took process pictures so now you, too, can make a princess cake.
Bake the dang cakes. In this cake, the bundt is a very important tool.

[upon receiving a bundt cake from Mrs. Miller]
Maria Portokalos: It's a cake! I know! Thank you! Thank you very, very much.
[whispering to Aunt Freida]
Maria Portokalos: There's a hole in this cake!

Assemble the cakes. The more frosting, the better.

Again, more frosting, please!

Once the bottom two layers are properly iced, bundt it up!

Apparently, they ran out of frosting here and had to go to the store. It's also a good idea to let the cake rest a little bit, so it won't crumble all over the place.

Make sure you have the right tools. And enough frosting. At this stage, make sure your frosting is dyed the correct color that you wish the skirt of the dress to be.

Frosting has been properly applied.

Now, frosting must be properly styled.

Start piping on the decorative details of the dress that are necessary. You can also use sprinkles and glitter if the piping isn't your forte.

Skirt complete.

omigosh! I'm a princess!! Ta-daaaaa!!

Add your message to the platter.

And then let that girl chill.


*k