It's hard to believe that it's been nine weeks since Meghan died. I can still see her mannerisms and hear some of her words. I can still picture her on her wedding day. I can still see her arriving at the RV this past Christmas and how jealous I was of her matching luggage. Seriously. Everything that she owned was so stinkin awesome. It scares me to know that it will become a distant memory one day, and I will forget. That's inevitable. I hate it.
It's hard, too, to believe that it's been five months since I was laid off. It's been a while since I last wrote. Mostly because I didn't know what to say. I don't know how to explain to you what we're all feeling. What I'm feeling, since I can really only speak for myself.
I hate that I was laid off. Yeah, because I don't get a paycheck anymore and that stinks. Yeah, because I don't have the monotony of a job every day to return to and get lost in. But mostly because there's so much emotion involved in looking for a new job that it frustrates me to not know exactly which emotion belongs where. I can't say... "I'm feeling sad because of ______."
There are so many highs and lows, even within a period of one day. It seems as if my emotions are amplified, so that something as simple as the USA scoring a goal at the World Cup will make me run around the house. And a phone call from a prospective employer will make me (again) run around the house. And missing a phone call from a prospective employer will upset me for an entire day.
There are things, however, that keep me moving ahead and help me step outside of my own bubble. I get to volunteer every other week at a soup kitchen. Which means I scoop food out of large pans onto plates. Really, this is nothing noble. The noble thing is the men that I meet there. Yes, most of them have been in jail before. Yes, most of them have been on drugs for years. But they are changed men. They are products of grace. They encourage me and remind me of things that I so often forget. One of which is to take life one day at a time. These guys, some of which are ex-cons, all of which are homeless, are reminding me to take life one day at a time. And that God is faithful. I find hope just being around them.
Adam and I are working to get "For the Love of Meghan" established as a non-profit entity. We want others to be able to benefit from her life and love and legacy in a tangible way. There was an article in the Toronto Star yesterday, which garnered TONS of support. Adam's had two radio interviews between last night and this morning. It's just incredible to see where this thing is going. Obviously, we wish that it isn't a "thing." We would most love to have her back. But maybe our purpose now is to change other people's lives and to encourage them through our pain?
So we move forward. We aren't allowed to stop. That's out of the question. We must learn to heal and learn to grieve and learn to love differently... and learn to never stay stagnant in our lives.
We pray for good news. We pray for encouragement. We pray for hope. We pray for love.
